Beautiful Chaos.

Life has no particular order. It doesn’t have a particular sequence in which things should happen. Sometimes the best way to live is to embrace the beauty in the chaos and live on. My beautiful Chaos is writing,it happens against a backdrop of a stroke that babied me and made me helpless. I write with the right hand as the left one is paralyzed. Simple luxuries like bending to scratch an itchy part of the leg/arm are not possible, you can’t get outside for something unless you are helped. There were days when I talked to God and wished that the stroke had taken me because few survive it. I wanted to literally give up till I reminded myself that sometimes, we have to live rather than leave when life overwhelmes us.

One of the ways I have always sought to understand people is to walk in people’s shoes to understand their struggles. Sometimes I try to understand myself, crazy I want to dig into my motivation and understand it. A father and daughter were from a revival and the daughter drove the car,then a storm hit and she wanted to pull over but the dad told her, drive through the storm got so bad that she couldn’t see, but the dad told her, drive through and then the storm ended,dad told the daughter pull over and look behind, when she looked behind,she said,”I get it dad, you want me to thank God, but he said, look again, where are the eighteen wheelers that pulled over?, “They are still in the storm” she replied. Exactly pulling over through the storm prolongs the storm but keep driving through the storm and it shall be over. Giving up in a storm only prolongs the storm, you have to keep keeping on.

Imagine,where you are reading this post and an arrow hits you. Imagine,a second arrow hit at the exact pinpoint. What would be the impact of the injury? Grave, you would say. The first arrow is what happens in life, and that for which there was no control over. The second arrow is your reaction to the first arrow, reaction is informed by many things, for my case, it has been a strong support system around me. The perfect word here is recovery and recovery for stroke is a lifetime thing, one has to understand and know the aspects therein. The good book says,’Be still and know that I am Lord’. What if all it took was stay afloat and let the waves of life be.

The first arrow came and that was the illness. I was in self denial, I thought it would take a while,then I get back with my studies, in 2016, I had secured a Masters in Law (fully sponsored) and I knew that everything would be great. As a matter of fact, I knew that the US elections would not go well for the Twitter trumpet, but democracy is a scam,it gives you devils and we are obliged to kiss their ring. So the acceptance email came in December,it was what I was waiting for, what now? I told my self (I do that alot) ‘yes this has come, the most it can take will be two years and you will be okay’, I wrote to the LLM coordinator requesting for a deferment of the admission to 2019 and it was granted, what I didn’t have in mind were the plans ahead. In a short period of time like I had thought, there was tremendous progress and being the old man, I ran to Facebook to tell the world. The reason I did that was that there was a fundraiser on Facebook and it would be fair that I tell those who stood with me

The update before the fall

I fell while using a walker and that was the beginning of trouble. The physiotherapist suggested that I do a pelvic x-ray because of the way I was walking,I had now been reduced to a wheelchair and it was that bad, the period of 2018 was trying to get to square one, I have never heard myself scream out that loud, the pain was too intense. The main question on my mind was how I could scream yet I had speech impairment. Questions like, will I get fine?, started lingering through my mind,at that time,if I could access a knife, I would go for my left wrist and find out what is in the veins, it was that bad. Remember that I had asked for a deferment and so it came but who’s the university writing to,a guy who could not walk, speak, and had given up on himself. I was short of cursing God and ready for the consequences because what was I living for anyway. So the updated acceptance came and boy oh boy it reminded me that all was over

After the post stroke grief, I finally accepted that I had to change my goals and strategies, could I achieve my dreams, perhaps not. I resumed blogging because I realized that whereas I couldn’t speak, I could speak through writing and inspire even those who are in perfect health but at their lowest,if there’s one thing I live for, it’s to give hope because I was once hopeless.

So I am a Virgo much as those things don’t mean alot to me,as a child who loves reading, I would read the day’s dailies and the horrorscopes (emphasis mine) would say pretty different things on the same day!, I started wondering if the day’s sorcerer’s had different views that day. Time to me had become a bastard, days would turn into months and years went by. I have always despised petty bourgeoisie things like birthday parties as the old man, so I thought,why not call Jonelle and Sharon to come over and we cut cake and celebrate life, and that was it. It’s another day and I am still waiting on and my spirit is still stronger than ever. To another year of great possibilities.

As the old man, books are my love language and the people who love me got me books

Books are life to some of us.

6 Comments

  1. Dear Mwene,
    First, I must say that your life at this moment is a testimony.
    I am so charged up and encouraged by your story.
    Thank you for constantly reminding us what courage, resilience and hope represent.
    Honestly, I am rooting for you and looking forward to your complete recovery.
    Happiest birthday once again, my dear friend!
    Cheers to better and brighter days ahead!

  2. Roland, you have taught me a lot through your journey. I am a better person for it. We love you and this will never change. Privileged to be part of you.

    1. Mwene!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      I love love love love love you. ♥️♥️♥️♥️

      Happy happy happy birthday, my dearest! Cheers to greater possibilities! 🥂

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