I am a Fraud without a spark

Yesterday in a conversation with Connie Dia ,I texted her after reading her story for Day 1, “Me as me,have failed to start writing ,I have failed to click the prompts hehe this winter has exposed we pretenders”, this was a sobering realization that I might be a writing Fraud masquerading in brilliant and gifted writers. This is a winter challenge that distinguishes boys and girls from Men and Women.

I have read most of the entries because the only thing you can do is read from all writers because you simply because you are not writing. And I am here thinking, what is the spark? For context, I died in 2016 and lost all my abilities and Independence. I may not be on a deathbed but I am fighting for life literally and trying to live again. When I read my past writings as Roland and compare them to my current scribbles on this blog, I can’t help but worry. The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad.You know, when sad bites its lip and tries hard not to cry and smiles and says, “everything is fine and am okay” that is when its really sad..because sadness can never be hidden, it can only be disguised…. It was in January that my Doctor took me off the antidepressants which I had been on for three years.A good friend and former work mate sent me a photo of their visit to me and all that can be seen is how sad I was , she sent it to me , this was her take. “When I looked at this photo I did not focus on how sad you were, I looked at it and thought about how far you have come and the progress you have made since we took this picture” it is one of my best photos because it shows how sadness can never be hidden.

Writing in paralysis ain’t easy, you are typing with one finger in a wheelchair while the other fingers are suspended midair. I am but a fraud trying to write and there is no spark to talk about. This is Day two of the marathon winter challenge and I promise to keep defrauding you .